Wednesday, June 29, 2005

where is my mind?

I'm going through a little emotional slump at the moment, which is probably the reason my posts have been so sporadic lately. But I just realized that I don't have to put on a happy face all the time, and this can be a great forum for working through what's on my mind...

I did the Stagesource audition* yesterday and I think it went fine, but my heart just wasn't in it. I realized at the last moment that I didn't have the 60 headshots they'd asked for (which in a way is pretty great considering I ordered 100 last August and I'd already used 55). So I took my sad little 45 headshots and handed them over, knowing some people in attendance wouldn't have one of me. It's not a big deal--there might not have even been 45 people there, but it's not something I would normally let happen.

Normally, I would have checked a month ago to make sure I had enough headshots so I'd have time to order some extra copies if needed. And I don't know if it's apathy or the fact that I've been so freaking busy lately that I can hardly think straight.

I'm looking back at my calendar and I think it's been three weeks since I've had a day off. And I'm usually not filming or rehearsing for more than 6 hours a day, but to not have a single, whole day that is mine and mine alone has really worn me down.

Part of me feels really horrible for complaining about this. I mean, I am in the extraordinarily unique position of not having a day job. I can't imagine what it must be like for people who are struggling with their artistic careers while holding down a full-time job. I am thankful every day for the life I live.

Yet--I can't negate what I'm feeling just because I'm better off than some people. (Everyone is better off than someone else in this world.)

I'm tired. And I'm sad. And no amount of "thanking my lucky stars" is going to make that go away.

I guess the positive side to all of this is that I'm very close to a break (4 whole days over the Fourth of July weekend!). Two of my film projects have winded down and all I have to focus on from now until August is the play.

Knowing me, just writing all of this down will probably do wonders for my mood. So thanks for letting me vent.

*Stagesource is a New England theatre arts association. They have annual auditions where local producers and directors can see hundreds of actors perform two minute pieces over a few days.


jenn marsala said...

Okay, one of these days we'll actually get to talk on the phone, but until then, know that I love you and am thinking of you...


Mom said...

I'm sad when you're sad =(
I hope you have a wonderful, pampered, relaxed long weekend =)

I love you,