Besides having some vividly weird dreams (watching myself animated in clay on some celebreality show...), the past few days have been awesome. Actually, the dreams have been useful in working through a few psychological quandaries. You might not think the presence of muppets in a dream could signify anything but having eaten a strange late-night snack, but believe me, my friend, there is a message to be had if you examine the felt and wobbly eyes closely enough.
I won't go into all the intricate, winding, wierd details of my dreams, but just know that they have helped me understand some of what has been making me feel blue lately. In the interest of my psychological health, here are my (re)discoveries:
- I want to be famous.
- I want to do meaningful, important work...that gets me noticed.
- I want to work in a supportive, collaborative environment.
No artist wants to admit that fame is part of their goals, so I'm just going to put it out there. It's not the only thing I want (I wouldn't, for example, want fame if it meant being Anna Nicole or Paris Hilton), but it is part of my reason for being an actor.
I'm in this wonderful, challenging play doing meaningful, important work, but I'm in a role that is the definition of "ensemble member." And while there is no doubt I'm in a supportive, collaborative environment the horrible little monster of my ego is feeling a little starved at the moment.
I don't know if I feel worse because I'm not getting the attention I want or the fact that I want it in the first place. It needs to be okay to want fame, to want to be noticed. And it needs to be okay to not get what I want right now. But when I deny myself the wanting I just turn myself in circles and make myself sick.
I'm feeling better having realized all this, so thank you hungry dolphin and muppets and little claymation Summer: job well done.