burn, splat, and crash

Good (and bad) things always seem to come in threes, right? My clumsiness typically knows no bounds, but this has been quite a week for me.

Last Tuesday night, while cooking dinner, attending to River, keeping the cats from attacking each other, and generally working towards world peace, I set a kitchen towel on fire. I quickly noticed the inferno and pulled it outside where a good stomping took care of the potential disaster.

A woman walking past our house looked up and smirked as though saying, I may look like I'm laughing with you, but really I'm laughing at you. At least she had the grace to follow up that look with, "I do the same thing all the time, but I never think to bring it outside."

Dinner was salvaged, but it was close.

Yesterday, I spent a good hour making pie crust from scratch, steaming and sauteeing vegetables and assembling a quiche. Thom, River and I were all happy when it finally baked to a golden brown because we were a bit behind our usual dinner schedule. I pulled the hot pan from the oven and promptly dropped the whole steaming mass on the floor. Carnage was littered around our feet: splattered egg and broken ceramic mingling with my blue kitchen rug.

I stood there in horror for a good thirty seconds before I broke into the inevitable laughter and asked Thom what kind of take-out we were going to do.

Today, as part of preparing the house for the cleaners, I attempted to get Poe (Pissy McPooperpants) locked into the downstairs bathroom and away from the action. Apparently, last week she chased the poor cleaning ladies around the kitchen, swiping ankles and hissing. She wasn't happy with the prospect of being locked away and escaped my grasp a couple times. When I finally got ahold of her in the office upstairs, she was an angry angry cat and fought me the whole way.

Halfway down the stairs, struggling to hold Miss Squirmy I slipped and fell. I bounced onto my butt, slid down a few stairs and crashed into the wall. The pain in my ankle was incredible. Right away I could tell I hadn't done damage to my back, and thanked my lucky stars as I lay facedown moaning through the pain. After a minute, I got up and felt my foot. No broken bones! But I did sustain a nasty sprain.

Luckily my sitter was still around and agreed to stay the afternoon so I wouldn't have to be on my feet with River too much. I got my foot wrapped, iced, and elevated. And after Thom came home a little early, we went to his office to pick up a brace for my ankle (thank you Wellness Professionals!).

Dinner was take out.

It'd be pretty awesome if I could avoid causing irreparable damage to my home or body in the next day or two. I get real tired of too much take out.

P.S. Poe sustained no injuries from the fall, unless a sudden bout of conscience could be considered an injury--she's been snuggling and looking guilty all evening.

hillary vs. obama

chillin' at home for V-Day

Thom and I decided to avoid the crowds of couples last night and save our Valentine's Day outing for tonight. Still, I couldn't pass up the chance to make a redonkulously cute dinner. Kevin is rockin' the bachelor life for a few weeks, so we invited him to join us.

I was in the kitchen ALL day, so I made sure to document the outcome:



















































Valentine's Day Menu:

mixed green salad with crusted goat cheese, hazelnuts, and beet hearts

savory mushroom stew with heart puff pastry garnish

berry (gelatin-free) jello in heart molds (not pictured because I had some issues getting them out)

The Great Riverini

It's a banner week for posts! Just couldn't pass this little gem up:

building a shell

One of the things about motherhood that has surprised me is not how much loving attention and care I give on a daily basis, but how much I must routinely steel myself for River's benefit.

The whole family was at Kevin and Crystal's this weekend, helping to put the finishing touches on their nursery (Thom and Summer adding wall decals, River tasting all the new baby's toys). Later, while we were hanging out in the living room, River took a tumble in the course of playing and bonked his head pretty solidly. Everyone in the room did what I wanted to--gasped sharply and readied themselves for the inevitable cry. Quite against my natural instincts, I reminded them to laugh it off and act normally until he actually showed signs of being upset. Low and behold, the little terminator shook it off and kept playing with nary a whimper or chin quiver.

That little act of restraint--not immediately rushing over to fuss and comfort my baby--has taken months of willpower to develop. It seems like such a cold thing for a mom to do, but I know in the long run River will be better and stronger for it. There is no way to avoid the many bumps, bruises, scrapes and falls he will encounter over the years, but my hope is that he will face each one on its own, dust himself off when he can, and trust me to be there to give hugs, kisses, and magic band aids when he really needs it.

Last night, as I was lying in bed thinking about this, we heard the tale-tell cry from the monitor. Months ago, one of us would have gotten up and gone to him, unable to leave him too long lest he build himself into a rage and refuse to go back to sleep. But after the (very successful!) sleep training we recently did I am much more confident he can actually get himself back sleep. So I waited. His cries rose and rose and I stayed where I was. Finally, after a minute, I heard the sound I was waiting for: the tapering cries, the little whimper, the tired last gasps before he fell asleep... all on his own. It was a miracle I couldn't have asked for just a few weeks ago, and now it is a nightly occurrence.

Still, the will-power it took to leave him there--to trust him to go back down and trust myself that leaving him alone was the right thing--was immense. It is hard-earned and does not come without a price. It's not as dramatic as the child who understands death for the first time, but it does feel like a kind of innocence lost.

The cover of pregnancy books always picture radiant women in sun dresses walking through fields of poppies in the afternoon light. It's as though new mothers are getting ready to attend a never-ending tea party, not deal with pain, poop, hurts, and heartbreak. If they wanted to be honest about the reality of motherhood, they would show an Amazon warrior gearing up for battle. Full belly covered in armor, face strong and stern: a woman willing to do whatever she must to protect her child.

River Kong

Courtesy of Thom Doyle

communing with the hippies

As I mentioned before, the whole family took a trip to the Berkshires last weekend to do a yoga retreat at Kripalu. The purpose of the trip was to give my best friend Jenn (out here from LA) and I a chance to unwind and have some solid girl time. (We considered NYC as a destination, but decided calming vibes would be more desirable than frenetic ones.) Crystal stayed with us for one night, then Thom came for the rest of the time--both so that someone would be there to take care of River while I was out gallivanting around.

It was really beyond fantastic, and I came home a bowl of centered, relaxed jelly. Kripalu is the kind of place that puts you instantly at ease when you walk through the doors: imagine a Buddhist Temple mixed with summer camp. Everything there encourages you to leave your stressful life behind and find a new way of being. It took an afternoon and a night of sleep before I could fully unwind, but when I did, I felt absolutely amazing. I let all of my tension and sense of responsibility go. I thought about what should happen now--in the moment--and didn't concern myself too much with anything beyond that. It couldn't have possibly happened that way if I didn't have someone I trusted taking care of River.

Our days were a beautiful winding path from yoga to meditation to sauna to meal to yoga... and I really could have just stayed on that decadent road forever. Jenn and I found ourselves talking like we haven't be able to in... maybe years now. It was like being back in high school: indulgent, girly, connected. I'm so glad she was there to share the experience with me.

I took few pictures, but here are my favorite ones. We took River out to play in the snow (notice the shopping bags on his feet) and gave him a nightly bath in our sink. I wish I had one of Jenn and I, but I guess we just weren't thinking about much more than relaxation. What a hard life.

River News: Month Ten

Note to my lovely readers:

Sorry I've been so remiss with my posting duties. I spent a really fantastic long weekend with my best friend Jenn in the Berkshires at a yoga retreat (Crystal, then Thom, came along and were real champs taking care of River). We were extremely busy breathing, eating, and sitting in the sauna, so you understand why this is late. I wrote this post a few days before River's ten month b-day, and it already feels like I could add a novel to it, but I'll just have to save it for next month.

My handsome, handsome boy,

Every day I seem to find a new nickname for you, and I wonder if you'll go through your formative years thinking your name is Biver or Pook. Well, you've earned a new one this month: Beaver. Your auntie strapped that one firmly to your little person after you bit off a huge chunk of her wood coffee table.

As much as you do like a good gnaw these days, you're much less inclined to stick something new straight in your mouth. Your sense of touch and smell seem to be expanding, so you've learned some other ways of exploring.















This is the month I have finally (almost nearly) baby-proofed this place. The big project was locking up those cabinets and drawers you love so much. We've reserved you one cabinet in the kitchen full of fun plastic colanders and utensils, but those bathroom drawers--with their toxic hair gels and q-tips--are decidedly verboten. Of course, you'll always be able to find something you're not allowed to get into. But I think it's important to teach you that there are certain things off limits to you and that I'm not going to cage them (or you) in just because you're a baby.

It's not always easy, especially since one of your favorite activities is destroyong things. We stack blocks, you knock them down. We put puzzles together, you take them apart. We build train tracks, you trample them like godzilla. You pull books off shelves, dump toy boxes out, unroll toilet paper, turn bowls of cheerios over... You live to create chaos from order.















We've always tried to let you take the lead in deciding how you want to play, but you've really upped the game this month. You love to play chase and tickle games and you're very clear about initiating them. It always starts with you heading toward the dining room table. Halfway there, you'll peek back to see if we're watching, then off you go. We follow you under, winding in and out of chairs and table legs, making scary monster noises while you laugh and laugh. Of course, we have to catch you and tickle you or the game isn't as much fun, and you give ample opportunity for that.




















When you're not running around, you are eating! You've had a real growth spurt this month, and we seem to be constantly shoveling food into your mouth. You love anything from our plate and anything you can pick up yourself. It's a struggle to figure out what I can make that will be both healthy for you and tasty for the rest of us. It's meant adding a few more soft canned veggies to the table than I like, but we're making it work.

We take you out to restaurants quite a bit these days, and though it's never mess-free or easy, you are very content most of the time. I always laugh when strangers come up to me and say what a "good baby" you are. It's a bit of a silly idea, that someone your age could be good or bad. You're simply happy. Your daddy suggested the next time I'm given the "good baby" line I should say, "That's because we ply him with liquor before we go out."















We've been doing lots of fun activities this month. Swim lessons, birthday parties, trips to the Children's Museum. You're so sociable and sweet to everyone; it's never stressful to take you out. We went to a fitness class this week and the only issue I had was keeping you from crawling over the other mommies and babies. Given the choice between that and a baby who stays glued to my side in fear, I'm really happy with the Pooker I got.















We have a nice little routine in the evening now. After your last nap in the afternoon, I'll get you up and put you in the highchair in the kitchen. You'll sit there happily munching on cheerios and watching me cook dinner for a good long time. We talk about what I'm doing and reminisce about our day, and then daddy comes home and you light up. There were so many months early on when I was just ragged by the end of the day, willing the clock to hit 6pm so I could get a break. I'm still tired at the end of the day, but I don't often feel desperate anymore. It's a wonderful thing these days, to share my time with you.




















Well, I've saved the most significant news for last. You are finally finally sleeping through the night regularly. It took a bit of work, and you still fight us at bed times, but you are so much more likely to stay down for a long nap or a full night of sleep than you were just a few weeks ago. It's made everyone in this house so much happier. I just know you're going to feel so good and be healthier if you can keep it up. I feel lighter these days--less worried, less irritable. And I know it's the same for your dad. We need those hours to decompress, to rest, so that we can be good parents for you when we're together.















I love you love you love you my Pumpkin Doodle,
Mommy

wrecking havoc since 1979

After putting River down to bed last night Thom and I walked out of his room and were hit with the rank aroma of burnt plastic. We followed the scent through the hall and down the stairs and couldn't find the source. It seemed to run throughout the house, warmer here, colder here. It was near bedtime for us, but we didn't want to go to bed before discovering the source of the horrible smell. We both imagined wires aflame in the walls, burning the house down while we slept.

I opened every door and drawer I could think of to no avail. Then, standing in the kitchen, trying to bloodhound my way to the smell, I felt the warmth of the dishwasher next to my legs and I knew I had found it. It was horrible. I opened the door and a huge wave gag-inducing horror hit me in the face. Apparently, a piece of plastic from the food processor had slipped through the bars and landed on the hot coils at the bottom of the machine. There, it melted like butter and fused itself to the coil.

Thom and I have no idea how we're going to clean this mess up. We can't pull the drawer of the dishwasher out because the plastic has it pinned in, and we can't get in there to remove the plastic because it's blocked by the drawer.

Craptastic.

Here's the hilarious photographic evidence of my stupidity:

ch-ch-ch changes!

Well it's about time! All those things that I've been pondering, worrying over, thinking I need to get done are finally beginning to happen.

The big development is, of course, River's new found (and hopefully not temporary) ability to sleep through the night. Thom and I spent the weekend sleep training him--and it did not involve making the poor booger "cry it out." The method is simple, though very daunting, which is why it took us nearly nine months to give it a try. I won't go into the details other than to say that River now knows that he can get himself to sleep in his own crib. He doesn't always like it, but he can do it.

I know River is just in that category of Children Who Do NOT Like To Sleep, and he always will be that way. Someday in the not too distant future he's going to start bartering with us--just one more story, one more kiss goodnight--and we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But for now, the parents have decisively won this battle!

The second thing that has been on my mind is my fitness routine. One of the things I wanted to build into my day when I decided to up the sitter's hours was a workout. For the first half of this month I was too overwhelmed with just getting back into our normal routine to add anything to it. Well, it's only a beginning but I've managed to fit a workout in for the past three days. I'm gearing up for a trip to a yoga retreat next week and I want to have a little stamina and flexibility when I get there. Looking (and feeling) good so far!

Next, I'm inching closer to my goal of getting back to work. I've had some head shots blown up so I can decide which new pics to reprint, and I've been diligently revamping my website. As soon as I have my resume and photos in place, I'll feel comfortable getting out there for auditions. (Who knows when I'll have time to actually DO these imaginary acting projects, but it feels good to dream.)

Finally, Thom and I have actually begun to have a regular Date Night. We have a sitter scheduled to come every Friday night and we use that time for just the two of us. To all my single readers this probably sounds like the death of spontaneity and fun, but oh my gosh, getting out for a weekly date is SOOO much better than just not going out for months at a time. It's definitely made us feel closer, and though we'll never be the couple we were before kids, Date Night is helping us define a new "us" that doesn't involve baby.

HE DID IT!!!

I can't really believe it, but last night River slept from 9pm to 8am. My world is turned upside down. Can this be true? Or has the chronic sleep deprivation from the past 9 months finally turned my brain into tapioca and this is all some sad psychotic fantasy? Only time will tell. If I'm not actually in the loony bin imagining all this, I will write more later.

a little diversion

For three days now I've been working on a post about the trip River and I took to the Children's Museum on Friday. I may not have time to write something significant, but here's an email I got from my aunt today. It was pretty funny...

Happy New Year to all! But this is a warning. Be careful out there in 2008---these people are out there just waiting to blow your mind.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they c ould not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowing l y and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corne r buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: she was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

Stay Alert! They walk among us...and the real scary thing is...they vote.

SOS: same old shit

I'm having a hard time getting the energy to write lately. Getting back into the routine at home after such a long time away has taken a bit of work (and it still feels like I'm playing catch-up). A couple big projects are done--house cleaning, grocery shopping. But River's suitcase is still sitting in the corner of his room, stuffed full and going nowhere on it's own.

I've upped my daily sitter hours to three with the intention of using the extra time doing the business end of my acting work, but even that extra hour gets eaten up with stupid things like taking a shower or doing laundry. I know I need to be stricter with "my time" but it's not easy.

Mainly it's the same old song: River won't sleep and I'm exhausted. He's spent the past few nights screaming his head off anytime Thom or I take him near the crib and I've resorted to sleeping with him on the couch so that a) I don't have to nurse him all night long and b) at least one of us can get the illusion of sleep.

This morning (stupidly early) Thom got up to catch a plane and I had River in bed with me. He woke up after daddy was gone and screamed and squirmed and refused to go down for two hours. You can imagine how not friends we were during that time. Those moments are the worst for me. When everything that I love about him is drowned out by wails and frustration. It's hard for me to be the patient, loving mother I so want to be when I'm so tired and he's so unreasonable.

Finally, after an epic struggle he fell asleep for a few more hours and I had time to regain some sanity.

In the morning, I set him in his highchair and turned on some music while I cooked breakfast. It was an infectious pop song by Lily Allen and I couldn't help but do a ridiculous little dance to it. Well, River just cracked up at my ungraceful moves, pouring out laugh after laugh.

I always worry that he'll hold it against me when I lose my temper. Of course he never does. But this morning, at least, watching the joy I was creating in his little face, I was able to forgive myself.

sweet cheesy goodness, we're home!

River took a real turn for the worse three days ago and got a really bad fever. I took him to the doctor, got him fixed up with antibiotics for whatever mysterious ailment he had, and now he's on the mend.

We flew home with auntie Crystal last night, and though he's very clingy, he seems to be feeling much better.

I can't tell you how happy I am to be home. Thom came to the airport at the asscrack of dawn to pick us up, and he drove us back to a clean house and some very happy kitties. In River's room he had used some foam blocks to spell "BIVER" and "SMUC", which I assume would have been "SMOOCH" if he'd had enough letters. (Sorry, Thom, I'm sure you'd prefer I kept that tidbit to myself. I just can't help sharing--it gave me such a big smile.)

Now River is taking the longest nap ever, and my but is glued to the couch while I watch my new Angel DVDs.

Happy New Year to you all!

River News: Month Nine

Dear Mr. Biver Butt,

Happy New Year!

You have been nine months old for a few days now, and I must apologize for being late getting this letter written. It's been a busy Christmas vacation in Las Vegas so I haven't had time to look at my computer, much less write a lengthy tome on what you've been up to this month. But I've managed to carve out a few hours this afternoon, so here I am.















This has been the month of the Ya Ya Ya's, River. It's your new favorite word and, oh boy, does it have a lot of meanings. You say it when you're hungry, excited, tired, frustrated, curious, bored, or just want to chat. The inflection and meaning you can put into one little syllable is amazing, and I love to listen to you yayaya all day long. We've had some meaningful conversations this month and though you haven't said any "words" I sure know you've a got a lot going on up there.















You've continued your physical development this month, increasing coordination and strength. The changes aren't happening quite as rapidly as they were in the first months, but we're still seeing slow and steady progress. Climbing and crawling has gotten easier, and your dexterity is really increasing.

This month you learned to wave and I think clapping is right around the corner. More and more your body is able to let us know what you want.

REACH: I want mommy
BANG BANG: I want cheerios
YAYAYA: I want to play















Boston was hit with a couple big snow storms in December, so you've finally gotten to see some real snow. We took a walk one afternoon as it began to fall and you were so fascinated--looking around at the drifting flakes, then up to the sky to see where it was coming from. You took a bite of freshly fallen snow and were pretty pleased.















We've had a wonderful time in Las Vegas celebrating the holiday with family. Every year, we get two full Christmases, celebrating one at my parent's place a day early, then doing it all again at your daddy's folks'. It's worked out pretty wonderfully--not only does no one get short-changed, but we all get twice the fun.




















This year, your great-grandparents came to spend the holiday with us. It's real treat for me to introduce you to Gordon and Frankey (especially since grandma has been hounding me for babies for quite a while!). And you were just as charming as I expected. You warmed up pretty quickly to everyone and spent more time in other people's arms than mine.

































On our first Christmas morning, you did as I expected and found more joy in the wrapping paper and boxes than the presents themselves. Thankfully, no one went too overboard. It's such a decadent holiday and your father and I don't ever want you to feel entitled to a ton of presents. Thank you for reminding everyone of how much fun can be found in the little things.






























At your grandpa and grandma Doyle's house the next day (the actual Christmas) we had another fantastic time. We spent the morning opening (so many) presents. Music was the theme this year. You got two drum sets and a guitar. You also had a great time playing, or rather, banging on the piano. I remember when your cousin Sydney was at this stage and I was sure she was going to be a musical prodigy. Really, I think you just like to make a bunch of noise.


































That afternoon we had a great dinner, then a big party with all of the extended family. You were amazing with all of the strangers and did lots of flirting with the ladies. You gave auntie Roxanne such an eye batting I was sure your uncle Scott was going to have words.


































On New Years Eve your father flew home, leaving us behind because you've gotten sick once again. I'll be really happy once you can blow your nose and understand how to pop your ears, but until then, we're here waiting out this stinky cold.

As usual, it's a blessing in disguise as you get to spend more time with your grandparents and I get a few more days with multiple sitters around.















This has been an amazing year. I think back to the beginning, as I eagerly awaited your arrival, and how small and helpless you were those first months. Now you've gained so much independence and your personality is just blossoming. You are such a joy to be around, my son, and I love you so much. Thank you for making this the best year of my life. I hope you know how very loved you are.




















And now, because I'm sure I'm embarrassing you, I'll be quiet and close.















xoxo,
mommy