goodbye and hello

Since becoming a mother almost two years ago, I've had little time (and if truth be told, inclination) to pursue any acting work. At the moment, I feel safe to say I am on an indefinite hiatus from acting and don't know when or if I'll go back to it.

Instead, what started as extreme nesting syndrome has slowly developed into a passion for creating things for the home. As this new year begins, so does a budding home business in which I will make toys, artwork, clothing, and home decor to sell online. My focus will be on children, but some more subversive ideas may develop into an adult (no, not like that, you dirty people - just "grown-up") line as well.

I'm in the process of finding some childcare so that I actually have time to make things, but once that is settled, I'll be excited to get up and running.

Of course as all of this is in the works, I found in my email today a message from a director I worked with a few years ago. Turns out the festival circuit was a dud but someone liked his movie enough to add it to the IMDB list. Which means, as a cast member, I can be found on a pretty legit database. I checked it out this morning and found out a few of the movies I've been in have had at least moderate success promoting themselves, because I'm listed under three films. Crazy, no?

Needless to say I'm pretty happy that all those years of work led to at least the minor appearance of success. It's funny that it should come now, just as I'm ready to tuck that chapter of my life into a box and store it way. I feel a sad little loss of identity in making an official goodbye to acting, but I also know that should the time come, I can happily dust that box off and begin anew.

ch-ch-ch changes!

Well it's about time! All those things that I've been pondering, worrying over, thinking I need to get done are finally beginning to happen.

The big development is, of course, River's new found (and hopefully not temporary) ability to sleep through the night. Thom and I spent the weekend sleep training him--and it did not involve making the poor booger "cry it out." The method is simple, though very daunting, which is why it took us nearly nine months to give it a try. I won't go into the details other than to say that River now knows that he can get himself to sleep in his own crib. He doesn't always like it, but he can do it.

I know River is just in that category of Children Who Do NOT Like To Sleep, and he always will be that way. Someday in the not too distant future he's going to start bartering with us--just one more story, one more kiss goodnight--and we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But for now, the parents have decisively won this battle!

The second thing that has been on my mind is my fitness routine. One of the things I wanted to build into my day when I decided to up the sitter's hours was a workout. For the first half of this month I was too overwhelmed with just getting back into our normal routine to add anything to it. Well, it's only a beginning but I've managed to fit a workout in for the past three days. I'm gearing up for a trip to a yoga retreat next week and I want to have a little stamina and flexibility when I get there. Looking (and feeling) good so far!

Next, I'm inching closer to my goal of getting back to work. I've had some head shots blown up so I can decide which new pics to reprint, and I've been diligently revamping my website. As soon as I have my resume and photos in place, I'll feel comfortable getting out there for auditions. (Who knows when I'll have time to actually DO these imaginary acting projects, but it feels good to dream.)

Finally, Thom and I have actually begun to have a regular Date Night. We have a sitter scheduled to come every Friday night and we use that time for just the two of us. To all my single readers this probably sounds like the death of spontaneity and fun, but oh my gosh, getting out for a weekly date is SOOO much better than just not going out for months at a time. It's definitely made us feel closer, and though we'll never be the couple we were before kids, Date Night is helping us define a new "us" that doesn't involve baby.

where is my mind?

I'm going through a little emotional slump at the moment, which is probably the reason my posts have been so sporadic lately. But I just realized that I don't have to put on a happy face all the time, and this can be a great forum for working through what's on my mind...

I did the Stagesource audition* yesterday and I think it went fine, but my heart just wasn't in it. I realized at the last moment that I didn't have the 60 headshots they'd asked for (which in a way is pretty great considering I ordered 100 last August and I'd already used 55). So I took my sad little 45 headshots and handed them over, knowing some people in attendance wouldn't have one of me. It's not a big deal--there might not have even been 45 people there, but it's not something I would normally let happen.

Normally, I would have checked a month ago to make sure I had enough headshots so I'd have time to order some extra copies if needed. And I don't know if it's apathy or the fact that I've been so freaking busy lately that I can hardly think straight.

I'm looking back at my calendar and I think it's been three weeks since I've had a day off. And I'm usually not filming or rehearsing for more than 6 hours a day, but to not have a single, whole day that is mine and mine alone has really worn me down.

Part of me feels really horrible for complaining about this. I mean, I am in the extraordinarily unique position of not having a day job. I can't imagine what it must be like for people who are struggling with their artistic careers while holding down a full-time job. I am thankful every day for the life I live.

Yet--I can't negate what I'm feeling just because I'm better off than some people. (Everyone is better off than someone else in this world.)

I'm tired. And I'm sad. And no amount of "thanking my lucky stars" is going to make that go away.

I guess the positive side to all of this is that I'm very close to a break (4 whole days over the Fourth of July weekend!). Two of my film projects have winded down and all I have to focus on from now until August is the play.

Knowing me, just writing all of this down will probably do wonders for my mood. So thanks for letting me vent.

*Stagesource is a New England theatre arts association. They have annual auditions where local producers and directors can see hundreds of actors perform two minute pieces over a few days.